Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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