sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
