I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
