she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize