I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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