get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
