WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
