I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
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I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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