We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
