Kiss
Puke
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
