Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You have to summon your inner elephant
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
