I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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