How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
