i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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