Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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