I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
