My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
