i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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