There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
