I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
