You really coming over, don't trick.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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