its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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