i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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