apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
