Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
