So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
