I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
