just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
