good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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