I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
