Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
