He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
