Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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