so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
