I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I touched a dick in church today
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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