foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
