why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
