MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
