He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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