FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
