if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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