Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
