Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i drank out of a bidet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
