oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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