Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
