one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
