Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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