My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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