There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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