ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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