don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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