i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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