My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
