when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
