There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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