Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
