Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
