Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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