your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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