ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
