seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
