last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
