I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You pole danced in your parka.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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