What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So much rum. So many feels.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
