No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
