His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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