Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
