i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
